Thursday Thirteen #1

Thirteen Things about Me
1. I love the outdoors… biking, camping, hiking,... you name it!
2. I love to cook, especially since I have a double oven!!
3. I am into crafting – I make Christmas ornaments to carry on a family tradition
4. I love to spending time with my family
5. I work six days a week for a bank in the sales department
6. I have a few business ideas, but I have no idea what to do with them
7. I am very open minded
8. I am one of those “everything has a place” people
9. I am scared to death of ….. ants
10. I am the first of four daughters
11. I’ve been married twice and have one child from each marriage
12. I enjoy decorating
13. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been

Wordless Wednesday #1

Back to Work

Tomorrow will be my first day back to work since last Friday. I had planned this long weekend last October when we have to turn in out "time off" requests at work. Needless to say, when I planned it I had no idea I would take the entire four days off. Unusual for me to be off four days in a row.

I've tried to spend a little time on my blog since I set it up. I've added what I can at this point... Still seems a bit naked though.. I'm going to be making a picture for my heading - I have it planned out it my head I just need to put it in motion.
LuLu had a nice couple of days with us... The sitter should have an interesting day tomorrow. She loves it when we are all together. She's been having an issue sleeping in her own bed recently. I blame it on me going to the gym. But I haven't stopped. She has always been very good about sleeping by herself. The only time we had had her with us was when she was sick. But I tried to put her down one night in her crib about a month or so ago, she wouldn't hear of it. She was asleep when I tried to lay her down and her eyes popped wide when she touched the sheets. I tried then to sleep in the floor near her bed... no luck. That went on for about two weeks.. I finally started putting her on the fold out toddler couch that she got for Christmas. This picture was taken with the "night vision" lens on my camera. Now she sleeps in the living room on her couch til I get ready to go to bed. Then I take her and her couch to her room. Then somewhere between 2am and 5am she comes to our room and gets in bed with me. It upset me at first. That I didn't know how to fix it. Couldn't get her comfortable again. Like I had so many times before. But then I realized something that totally helped me. She's going to be this age... ONE TIME. I could care less if she sleeps with me - I almost want her to sleep with me. In 10 years, she'll probably think I'm the dumbest woman on the face of the earth...and if I'm lucky it won't be any worse than that.



Punk is going to be 11 in August. As far as I'm concerned I'm watching his dad grow up before my eyes. Which is odd to say the least. He used to tell me how he was as a child, when we were married. I thought that it was like everything else he said - completely for attention or some sort of reaction. I try everything for Punk. I've tried reason, explanation, consequence.. nothing gets through... He doesn't understand plain english. And I say that with every bit of love that a mother could have for her first born son. I love him with my whole heart. Let me try to explain... just a bit. Punk has, among probably other things, ADHD. He is on medication for it. Which makes him a completely different person; In a Good Way! You can be in conversation with him... and he'll start going off on some tangent about something completely different - but in his head it's the same. If you say to him "It's raining cats and dogs" he will go to the window expecting to see them falling from the sky. And then give you a lecture on lying. But turn around and lie about something he did that was wrong.
I hope that one day that he will understand that I'm doing the best that I can for him. I admit, I get frustrated with him to quickly, or sometimes I think it's more with myself. I don't know which. I get upset with myself because if know one else understands him or can get through at least his own mother should, right?! I try to say things to him that I think he would understand, but he doesn't. I often wonder if he doesn't or can't or just doesn't want to understand. He is nearing puberty and I fear that every time we have a little fight he is getting further and further away from me. From trusting me.
He asked me on Sunday, "What is your worst fear?" Knowing that we had already discussed that his was death. And how I've explained to him that everyone at some point is scared of death or dying. But that it can't be stopped and shouldn't be something he fears. I told him, "My worst fear is you and LuLu growing up and hating me." I could live with just about anything else but being hated by my own children, it would destroy me.
He'll be going to his dad's for the summer soon. I would rather he stay with me and go to school year round than have a huge break in his learning. But this agreement was one that the ex and I made during our divorce. I have Punk during the school year minus every other weekend and He has Punk during the summer minus every other weekend. Holidays and Vacations are of course an exception. It works for the most part except every time Marcus comes home he hasn't been taking his medication and is just a little more rebellious. Something that I think his dad encourages. I've been told too many times that "one day he's probably gonna want to live with me". And I'm sure that it will happen - I don't need to be reminded of it. But I'm quite sure that it is just a little far from happening, because my dear ex enjoys being able to do what he wants, whenever he wants. Not to mention, he loves money. Sure he'll slip Punk the occasional $20 on their way to meet me. And yes, He completely paid off Punk's braces without a second thought - a total of over $5,300. But does he "support" Marcus. Nope. So, bitter though I may be but my husband and I pay for every daily expense that Punk has or needs. You name it.

Well, that's my mindless chatter for the day..

Today, Sunday, is ususally one of the six days I work. But I took the day off to have a long weekend with the family. 30 weeks to go, then I hope to be at least working 5 days a week instead of six. I'm tired of being a "part-time mom".
That's actually a phrase that has many emotions for me. Not to mention too much truth. I can say this phrase to some of my co-working mothers and they agree... they feel the same way.
My children are growing up around me and I've given their childhood away.. in exchange for money... heartless really when you stop and think about it. Years ago mothers didn't have to work. I would gladly change from this life of convenience ... city life... for a lesser convenient life.. if that life meant that I would be able to see my children grow, play with them.
I wasn't close to my mother [a choice I will always believe was made for me] but I remember that during my childhood - she was a stay at home mom - she would swing with us. She would lay on a blanket and tan while we played. I long to do things like this with my kids.

We went to "The Festival in the Park" today. http://www.roanokefestival.org/ It's open for 4 days, tomorrow will be the last day. The festival showcases music, art and crafts. It was a nice day, we went early because I needed to go pick up Marcus from his weekend at his Dad's. We ate corn dogs, Kettle corn and drank freshly squeezed Lemonaide. I wish that I had taken the camera with us. I'm going to have to start doing that. We used to take the camera everywhere - I don't know what made us get out of the habit.

Snack day for Supermom

I'm the "snack mom" for my son's minor league baseball game tonight. Being snack mom is fun. But, decideing what to take stinks. My son has braces so I try to take his ability to eat or not eat something into consideration. I try to also look at whether or not it has peanuts or something that another kid could be highly allergic to in it.
Baseball season is almost over for the year.. as well as school. He will be graduating from elementary school this year. I don't like to see summer coming. My son spends every summer with his dad. I get him every other weekend during the summer, which is more like saying his friends get him every other weekend. =) I would rather him be with me, where I know he's being taken care of. Not that his dad isn't taking care of him, but we live in a town 80 miles away from his dad. And that's just too far to pop in.

I love my son. I try to do the best that I can for him. Sometimes it seems as though I'm talking to a 2 year old in a 10 year old's body. We don't get along sometimes. I can't seem to get through to him. I ask him to do anything and it's like asking him in a different language. He just gives you this look ... this blank expression takes over his face... and you wait .. there's a way that he looks that tells me that he gets what I'm saying but then a split second later he says "What?" or "huh" or "I don't get it"
I get so tired of re-explaining everything. I would really like to meet some moms that are experiencing the same things with their children.

Secret Pals...

There's a group of moms in my neighborhood, about 10 of us. We have a "Secret Pal" thing that we do. This is the second year running... We met in December last year to pick new pals for 2007. Everyone was to fill out a sheet of their favorite things, collectibles, places to eat, special dates, etc. Well, not only did the woman I wound up getting not show to our little event but the person who filled out her sheet barely wrote anything down. We have returning moms from last year, a couple new moms and two that aren't even in the neighborhood.
So far, this is the second time this year I've thought about quiting. I walked through the store with my two year old daughter thinking "What do you get a woman you know hardly anything about for Memorial Day?"
Why on earth are we doing every holiday? Maybe a few big ones.. and a couple cards during the year for me seems like a nice gesture. Rather than spending $40 or more per month, per holiday, per season...etc.
Last year was odd. The mom that I had wasn't buying for her pal and instead of leaving it alone or telling her about it my neighbor starting giving faux gifts.
This year everyone has something going on.. something major it seems. And with the rise in pricing of every single thing in the world I think it's a little much to buy for someone else when I've been guarding money for other spending. I went "browsing" tonight for something to get my "pal" for Memorial Day. Nothing seemed to be what I was looking for. I wanted something with flags on it.. and only found a picnic basket. But then it struck me that I would have to put something in the basket.... so I didn't do that. Finally, I settled on a snow cone machine and some flavors for it. I'm still not sure if I will give it to her or look at something else tomorrow.
For the life of me I can't figure out why I'm still doing it. It sounds like a fun thing to do. And it is, it's fun to get together with friends, fun to laugh and talk, and always fun to get presents. But, I had originally mentioned this whole thing to my neighbor. I thought in the beginning that it would be a good idea for our kids to do something for each other's birthdays and surprises .. something fun for them that they could look back on years from now. But then she mentioned it to another hen and somewhere during their conversation it turned it to an out of control - girl spend all - buying/giving every month thing!

Fw: A Coat hanger

I got this email this morning at work.. It sounded so much like something that I would say that I just had to share it with you... here goes..

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the babysitter what had happened. The babysitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank You God! You even sent me a Professional!"

I don't know about you, but there are times when I sure could use a professional.....

Some people are so cut off from the world. So unwilling to experience anything that might be a life changing event.

I talked with some of my closer friends at work a few days ago about a website that I found. theshapeofamother.com
Dedicated to proving that our motherly bodies are beautiful. Hell yea they are!!
At any rate we started talking about nudity and a Spencer Tunick photo shoot that I had done (3 years ago). They had their own opinions but wanted to see the photo that I got from Spencer for participating. So, I took the photo in. I started talking with the same friends that I mentioned earlier. Others became interested in what we were talking about and asked to see. Their reactions... "Oh, How gross!" "There's no way I would ever do that. How could you do something like that?" and various other childish questions.

How can someone expect to grow as a person if they don't give anything a chance? Why do some people fall back on here "religion" as an escape from doing nearly anything? Like something I tell my son to try to persuade him to try a new food... If you never tried anything new, you would still be drinking from a baby bottle and pooping your pants.

I'm including a link to a gallery of Spencer's work... http://www.i-20.com/artist.php?artist_id=19

along with a link to the photo my husband and I participated in.

http://www.i-20.com/artist.php?artist_id=19&page=additionalimages&work_id=448

Death...

An ongoing subject with my 10 yo son is death. He's a very emotional boy mind you but he often wonders about death and get extremely upset at the thought of going through it.

He's been to one funeral in his life - swore that the lady moved and could not stop freaking out at the viewing.

I've tried to talk with him about it. I've asked him to tell me his thoughts, maybe try to get it off his mind... no such luck. He cries for hours on end. I've tried to have his dad talk with him... he even spoke with him tonight about it... I heard him on the phone... "Sometimes when people's bodies wear out..."

But no luck, the crying continued... It seems that everything that you say falls on ears that refused to be comforted.

He's a sweet boy.. I love him dearly. My first.

I'm sure everyone probably starts with the same thing in mind... I'm gonna try this and see how it works...

Well that's pretty much what I'm going to do. I'm normally super busy doing all my mommy things. I'm hoping that some of the free time that I will eventually start allowing myself to have will be spent jotting down my thoughts here.